There I am, on the road again...
Mar. 8th, 2005 08:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bunnyjadwigaIn the last four years or so, there's been a song that feels like my theme...
"Here I am, on the road again, there I am up on the stage
There I go, playin' the star again, there I go, turnin' the page..."
I've travelled to 3 of the 4 regions of the kingdom. I put 44,000 miles on my old car in 3 years, and have put 18,000 on my current car in a little over a year.
Sometimes it feels like I've spent the whole of the last 4 years traveling, doing herbalism and cooking, judging, pouring out all I had to give: "every ounce of energy, you try to give away," and getting back from my audiences... and being talked about behind my back, of course. "And you always seem outnumbered, you don't dare make a stand..." Some days I just want to sit down and say, 'Dammit, someone else do this for a goddamn change..." It's made me frustrated with arts award holders who don't travel, don't teach, don't go to other people's classes (though goodness knows I've been pretty lax about going to other people's classes myself...) But it's not their fault that I'm on some kind of wierd quest to change the world. But I've been told I have made a difference-- and I suspect it is true. Hell, I know it's true. Llewellyn (the new age publisher) had an article on Strewing Herbs in their 2004 Herbal Almanac and I could tell the author had looked at my website. People have done handwashing when I wasn't there. I've seen A&S entries and classes based on material that nobody had access to before. So I guess it was worth it.
So, I'm off to Carolingia this weekend. I swore I'd never go there, until a challenge (however misunderstood) pushed me into doing a project I'm still not sure about how it's going to come out.
But still, even if it turns out to be a disaster, it's been one hell of a learning experience. I have too high expectations on my work, I know-- I sort of want this to be my Laurel masterwork. Will it be? I don't know. The worst part is that because I'm trying to write in a period style, and I can't tell if there is a real structure for texts like mine, I can't tell if I'm structuring it properly (if _The Secrets of Women_ is any example, there's no real structure *sigh*) and I am having trouble telling if my tone/expression is consistent. How to drive a writer crazy.
"Here I am, on the road again, there I am up on the stage
There I go, playin' the star again, there I go, turnin' the page..."
I've travelled to 3 of the 4 regions of the kingdom. I put 44,000 miles on my old car in 3 years, and have put 18,000 on my current car in a little over a year.
Sometimes it feels like I've spent the whole of the last 4 years traveling, doing herbalism and cooking, judging, pouring out all I had to give: "every ounce of energy, you try to give away," and getting back from my audiences... and being talked about behind my back, of course. "And you always seem outnumbered, you don't dare make a stand..." Some days I just want to sit down and say, 'Dammit, someone else do this for a goddamn change..." It's made me frustrated with arts award holders who don't travel, don't teach, don't go to other people's classes (though goodness knows I've been pretty lax about going to other people's classes myself...) But it's not their fault that I'm on some kind of wierd quest to change the world. But I've been told I have made a difference-- and I suspect it is true. Hell, I know it's true. Llewellyn (the new age publisher) had an article on Strewing Herbs in their 2004 Herbal Almanac and I could tell the author had looked at my website. People have done handwashing when I wasn't there. I've seen A&S entries and classes based on material that nobody had access to before. So I guess it was worth it.
So, I'm off to Carolingia this weekend. I swore I'd never go there, until a challenge (however misunderstood) pushed me into doing a project I'm still not sure about how it's going to come out.
But still, even if it turns out to be a disaster, it's been one hell of a learning experience. I have too high expectations on my work, I know-- I sort of want this to be my Laurel masterwork. Will it be? I don't know. The worst part is that because I'm trying to write in a period style, and I can't tell if there is a real structure for texts like mine, I can't tell if I'm structuring it properly (if _The Secrets of Women_ is any example, there's no real structure *sigh*) and I am having trouble telling if my tone/expression is consistent. How to drive a writer crazy.
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-09 05:22 am (UTC)But I'll tell you what... the folks who are talking behind your back? Eventually they stop (unless you did something truly spectacular). The folks you've been teaching, and demonstrating to, and doing judging for? They'll probably remember. By and large, the good feelings and memories seem to hang around longer than the bad ones. (Now if I can just make myself believe that for myself, in re the current unplesantness.)