watch your back
Jun. 8th, 2006 10:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bunnyjadwigaToday the drive in to work was total chaos. I was late, and we have now reached the point where there are 6 different work zones in my 45 mile commute, and even after 9:00 am there are points where it takes 10-20 minutes to go 2 miles because the road is at capacity. I have become somewhat used to NJ traffic but after the 3rd car IN A ROW cut me off, I was out of patience.
That 3rd car-- had a "Smile God Loves You" bumper sticker on it.
To prove that I am evil, I rolled down my window and shouted, "Would Jesus drive like that?" (No, I don't have Intermittent Rage Disorder. I'm just an irritable bitch.)
Then I started thinking about it. I've been thinking about my learned reactions lately. (For instance, in general, I feel I'm more likely to be in a bad driving situation precipitated by a white male driver than any other type, followed by elderly white ladies and young males of any race. That doesn't mean that all white males, elderly women, or young men are bad drivers, it just means that the people who drive badly around me tend toward those groups.)
As a compulsive reader, I notice bumper stickers. Certain types of stickers-- such as W or Bush/Cheney stickers -- tend to signal me to drive cautiously around them. I'm wary of cars with either Jesus Fish or Darwin Fish (though I am more nervous about Darwin Fish drivers, probably because of their iconoclastic reputation). "Jesus is my Co-pilot" is somewhat worrying, but i find "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter" usually a good sign. But what about the pagan stickers? What do I think? Well, if there are a lot, I tend to be cautious as they may be the only thing holding the car together. If the stickers are insulting, I am also cautious. Otherwise, I'm more likely to park next to a pagan than think driving near them is comforting. :)
Getting back to my shouted insult: for those of us who are Pagans, are there good role models in our Gods and Goddesses for What would [Diety] do? Let's face it: Generally no, at least among the Goddesses. Consider the Chant: Isis Astarte Diana Hecate Demeter Kali Inanna. How would they drive?
Isis? Are you kidding? She's that well-coiffed senior citizen driving a sports car to the public danger down in Florida. Astarte is right next to her in a large late model Lexus. And Diana/Artemis? Does the phrase "daddy's spoiled little girl" mean anything? Hecate. . . eep. Driving an ancient compact car in Boston with a "My other car is a broomstick" sticker and scaring even the other MA drivers. Demeter? Maybe, but obviously struck with intermittent road rage and a tendency to stop in cornfields. Kali? Let's just not go there. Inanna... let alone Ereshkrigal... eep.
Juno and Freya are out there in SUVs talking on cell phones. Juno/Hera by all accounts would make anyone who talked to her want to give her tranquilizers and the number of a good divorce lawyer. Freya's setting up her dates for the next month. Aphrodite blows by her in a white convertible. Athene is driving a socially concious small car, but she's so wound up from being the only female law partner/professor in her department that she'd run you off the road without noticing. Hestia is the one driving quietly in the right lane, dedicatedly 3 miles below the speed limit and letting everyone in front of her. Oya and Yemanja? not gonna go there... The Norns are those wierd ladies you meet in a station wagon on a back road where you can't pass and you can't speed up...
In general, maybe that's the appeal that Christianity had. Few of the pagan gods and goddesses are really friendly and 'nice'. Generally they have their faults. Ok, the Jewish G-d certainly had a severe rage disorder as well. But Jesus? Generally a nice guy, if sometimes showing his roots as the oldest/only boy in his nice Jewish family... terribly bullied by the women in his life; means well; appears to have only one serious outburst of rage, and it's against rich people... well, that could be appealling. As Douglas Adams put it, "Nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change..." Probably wouldn't cut people off in traffic too much. Generally not a major speeder. Probably passes on the left...
That 3rd car-- had a "Smile God Loves You" bumper sticker on it.
To prove that I am evil, I rolled down my window and shouted, "Would Jesus drive like that?" (No, I don't have Intermittent Rage Disorder. I'm just an irritable bitch.)
Then I started thinking about it. I've been thinking about my learned reactions lately. (For instance, in general, I feel I'm more likely to be in a bad driving situation precipitated by a white male driver than any other type, followed by elderly white ladies and young males of any race. That doesn't mean that all white males, elderly women, or young men are bad drivers, it just means that the people who drive badly around me tend toward those groups.)
As a compulsive reader, I notice bumper stickers. Certain types of stickers-- such as W or Bush/Cheney stickers -- tend to signal me to drive cautiously around them. I'm wary of cars with either Jesus Fish or Darwin Fish (though I am more nervous about Darwin Fish drivers, probably because of their iconoclastic reputation). "Jesus is my Co-pilot" is somewhat worrying, but i find "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter" usually a good sign. But what about the pagan stickers? What do I think? Well, if there are a lot, I tend to be cautious as they may be the only thing holding the car together. If the stickers are insulting, I am also cautious. Otherwise, I'm more likely to park next to a pagan than think driving near them is comforting. :)
Getting back to my shouted insult: for those of us who are Pagans, are there good role models in our Gods and Goddesses for What would [Diety] do? Let's face it: Generally no, at least among the Goddesses. Consider the Chant: Isis Astarte Diana Hecate Demeter Kali Inanna. How would they drive?
Isis? Are you kidding? She's that well-coiffed senior citizen driving a sports car to the public danger down in Florida. Astarte is right next to her in a large late model Lexus. And Diana/Artemis? Does the phrase "daddy's spoiled little girl" mean anything? Hecate. . . eep. Driving an ancient compact car in Boston with a "My other car is a broomstick" sticker and scaring even the other MA drivers. Demeter? Maybe, but obviously struck with intermittent road rage and a tendency to stop in cornfields. Kali? Let's just not go there. Inanna... let alone Ereshkrigal... eep.
Juno and Freya are out there in SUVs talking on cell phones. Juno/Hera by all accounts would make anyone who talked to her want to give her tranquilizers and the number of a good divorce lawyer. Freya's setting up her dates for the next month. Aphrodite blows by her in a white convertible. Athene is driving a socially concious small car, but she's so wound up from being the only female law partner/professor in her department that she'd run you off the road without noticing. Hestia is the one driving quietly in the right lane, dedicatedly 3 miles below the speed limit and letting everyone in front of her. Oya and Yemanja? not gonna go there... The Norns are those wierd ladies you meet in a station wagon on a back road where you can't pass and you can't speed up...
In general, maybe that's the appeal that Christianity had. Few of the pagan gods and goddesses are really friendly and 'nice'. Generally they have their faults. Ok, the Jewish G-d certainly had a severe rage disorder as well. But Jesus? Generally a nice guy, if sometimes showing his roots as the oldest/only boy in his nice Jewish family... terribly bullied by the women in his life; means well; appears to have only one serious outburst of rage, and it's against rich people... well, that could be appealling. As Douglas Adams put it, "Nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change..." Probably wouldn't cut people off in traffic too much. Generally not a major speeder. Probably passes on the left...
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Date: 2006-06-08 03:54 pm (UTC)This is priceless!
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Date: 2006-06-08 03:54 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2006-06-08 03:24 pm (UTC)I really can't picture Jesus driving. He'd probably be one of those people who just never bothered to learn and always bums rides from friends.
Now, God, on the other hand, definitely drives a Cadillac. A huge black Cadillac from the 1950s, with acres of chrome and enormous tail fins. No seat belts, of course. Frankly, I can't imagine Him driving anything else.
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Date: 2006-06-08 03:33 pm (UTC)Marc Cohn, "Silver Thunderbird":
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Date: 2006-06-08 03:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-08 04:55 pm (UTC)I actually kinda picture him on one of those recumbent bicycles although I bet his sandles suck on the pedals and his robes play havok with the chain.
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Date: 2006-06-08 05:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-09 01:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-08 06:59 pm (UTC)Which is why the song "Jesus take the wheel" seems so very odd to me. If your life depended do you really want the 2000-year-old driving?
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Date: 2006-06-08 03:27 pm (UTC)Personally, my statement of choice lately has been "What would Genghis do?"
Blood, Death, Destruction!!! I'm in the mood for all of them!!
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Date: 2006-06-08 05:57 pm (UTC)WWXD
(What Would Xena Do)
bumper sticker
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Date: 2006-06-08 03:30 pm (UTC)That made me giggle. :)
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Date: 2006-06-08 03:56 pm (UTC)'Athene is driving a socially concious small car, but she's so wound up from being the only female law partner/professor in her department that she'd run you off the road without noticing.'
*grins*
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Date: 2006-06-08 03:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-08 04:26 pm (UTC)as for Kali? Let's just not go there
Personally, I think Kali would prefer driving a van loaded w/ home made fertilizer bombs into a government building or speeding the wrong way down I95 during rush hour.
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Date: 2006-06-08 05:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-08 06:41 pm (UTC)....Kinda like a cross between "The Fast and the Furious", "The Dukes of Hazzard", and "The A Team". :D
Kali's Ride
Date: 2006-06-09 12:01 am (UTC)The original, with the mounts for heavy ordinance still attached. It's black, naturally. She is completely focused on the trip, no cell phone, and will cut off lesser vehicles without a second glance. Strangely, she does slow down occasionally to let in someone she deems worthy; and then tears off again like a bat out of hell.
It's then we see the spare tire cover sporting the Tasmanian devil exclaiming, "Back Off!"
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Date: 2006-06-08 05:23 pm (UTC)It reminds me of a joke I received via e-mail recently - a guy on his cell phone at a stop light that changes several times, the woman behind him with a "Jesus Loves You" sticker (or something of that ilk) getting more and more frustrated and finally yelling obscenities at the guy up front, and the police officer who pulls her over after traffic finally gets moving again because he thought she must have stolen the car because someone with that sticker certainly wouldn't have acted that way...
I do like the characterizations of the various goddesses, too.
Personally, I think Jesus would drive a work truck and just be generally considerate and nice and the type of guy you'd want to take home to mom. LOL... Paul on the other hand... *insert eye roll here*
Thank you for sharing!
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Date: 2006-06-08 05:44 pm (UTC)And would probably carry jumper cables and a tow chain :)
Where I grew up, we called 'em "good ole boys"
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Date: 2006-06-08 06:47 pm (UTC)*giggle*
I am more likely to drive behind someone with a bumper sticker of "Dog Is My Copilot" than, say, someone with the Confederate flag anywhere on their car, or alongside someone who's spent more money on their Import to make it look and drive faster than they have spent on the purchase of a house...
"Time to unpimp ze auto!" :D
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Date: 2006-06-08 06:54 pm (UTC)Trying to picture what Baron Samedi would drive.
Drive? Man's got a _chauffeur_.
Bloody hysterical, hun. Think about submitting it somewhere. Witchvox or something, maybe.
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Date: 2006-06-08 07:03 pm (UTC)Heh
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Date: 2006-06-09 12:39 am (UTC)One of them would have limbs akimbo, or somesuch. Awesome.
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Date: 2006-06-08 07:52 pm (UTC)Eris would be one of those people who chucks trash out the window and you have to swerve to avoid hitting it.
Hera definitely strikes me as someone who would go out of her way to run over a squirrel that's making a mad dash across the road.
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Date: 2006-06-08 08:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-08 09:03 pm (UTC)Actually when Zeus is feeling particularly randy and energetic, he changes into a squirrel (like Merlin and Arthur in The Sword and the Stone except with squirrel porn). All that tail twitching and doing it while hanging off trees.
Hera knows.
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Date: 2006-06-08 09:35 pm (UTC)And to think I stopped playing Car Wars in college...
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Date: 2006-06-09 12:32 am (UTC)I image Zeus and Hera are in a Volvo together, arguing, about everything. Hermes would be in a Lamborghini, zig zagging through traffic. So very many possibilities; great fun. I'm trying to think of a good copilot...
Tyr would ideal, I think, except he'd drive too slow. You'd want a friendly generalist, I suppose. Kuan Yin would be nice, but she's a nervous driver. Horus wouldn't be bad, although that's kind of Jesus with feathers; and I find most of that pantheon rather creepy.
I think I'd go with Ganesh as a copilot. Brains and luck are not qualities that are often paired and gods know you need both on the Jersey highway. I think He drives a PT Cruiser, though; pink.
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Date: 2006-06-09 10:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-09 01:26 pm (UTC)More gods on the road
Date: 2006-06-09 10:40 pm (UTC)Frey, and his counterpart Apollo, drive nice, shiny Ferrari convertibles, preferably red or yellow, but not two-seaters, so there's room for all the girls.
Poseiden / Neptune, like Thor, has a huge truck--for hauling his boat.
Odin, because of his one eye, can't get a license.
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Date: 2006-06-09 10:42 pm (UTC)