Objects in the rear-view mirror...

[bunnyjadwiga]

They say he crashed and burned
I know I'll never learn
Why any boy should die so young...

About this time 5 years ago, Christoph of the shire of Eisental was killed when some kid in the opposite lane of 309 lost control of the car he was driving and front-ended Christoph's car. Our parents, of course, all said "he must not have been wearing a seatbelt" and we all pointed out that when you are hit in the chest by your car's engine, a seatbelt won't do a damn bit of good. So this morning I was listening to Meatloaf in the car and crying my eyes out.

Christoph was one of those quiet guys who make things so much better just by being around. He never seemed to be that opinionated, but somehow by being un-opinionated and not seeing the point of our differences he soothed us all down. He was really good at cheering people up and making them feel good, almost as good as he was at building things. He claimed, once, to be an agnostic Satanist (I remember asking him if that meant when he died he was going to heck, and he figured it did). He was somewhat shy and never wanted to take a leadership role (it took all our united efforts to trick him into court to get his award of arms, and I think he only let us do it because it made us happy). He was always ready to lend a hand or an ear. When I heard about his death, all I could think of was "Why did it have to be the best of us?" He and I weren't even that close, but his death left a hole in my life.

The thing I learned, right there and then, is that you never know. Anybody can walk out the door in the morning and you may never see them again. Any words you say to them may be the last ones you ever say. Tomorrow ain't promised, it ain't guaranteed. It can happen to anyone, any time.

Christoph's passing marked the end of an era in our group, and things were falling apart between people even as it happened. But we got together, most of us, at the homestead and shot half his ashes out of a cannon (which he would have loved) and buried the rest under a tree on the hillside. I'm sure he was somewhere laughing his ass off watching us try to plant that damn tree and put up a fence around it, because we completely bungled it, and we could all hear him in our heads telling us to hand him that shovel and he'd do it. A lot of things have changed since then, and we butt heads way too much, but we always remember and it gets to most of us...

9/11 happened a few months after Christoph was killed. I reacted a bit differently than other people because of the lesson I felt I'd learned, that it could happen to anyone, any time. When I heard of all the ways the disaster could have been worse, I took a certain atavistic comfort in thinking of Christoph's spirit out there trying to help.

But somewhere, back in the back of my mind, there's still this feeling that I'll see Christoph, sometime, just wander in to one of our events and start saying hi to everyone. Objects in the rear view mirror do appear closer than they are. I miss you, Christoph, whereever you are.

Comments

[alphaggek.livejournal.com]

I never had the honor of meeting him. At least I don't remember meeting him.

***HUGS***

[juergen.livejournal.com]

**HUGS**

Chris is our Balder

[colmunson.livejournal.com]

Chris touched so many lives in this place. Every year I keep thiking peoples' passionate emotions over his pasing will start to mellow, but they don't. Many words of love and honor were said for/to him during his sumbel Saturday. There were tears, but laughter also. Derek called him the heart of the shire. Tommaso related stories about building the showers and cutting down trees. Others shared other memories. Jenny told us how Chris loved Monarch butterflies and how she always says, "Hi Chris." when she sees one. She called him her older brother.

It only occured to me afterwards how Chris is sort of our own personal Balder here in Eisental. Chaos felled him in this life when he was still young and beautiful, but he lives on.

Re: Chris is our Balder

[bunnyjadwiga.livejournal.com]

You know he'd laugh to hear you say "young and beautiful". But yeah, he is like that to us.

Re: Chris is our Balder

[colmunson.livejournal.com]

Heh, yeah he would. A lot of folks made that observation at the sumbel too - like what you said in your post about the original tree planting. I know the man had his share of pain and issues in life, yet he had that air about him of being "untainted" if that makes any sense. His humor was his weapon as well as his gift to us.

My own observations about him Saturday were humorous - a. that we should have filled the horn with Rosenberger's Ice Tea. b. That we Asatruar know that the Einherjar battle all day on the plains of Asgard and then return to Har's hall in the evening...but you KNOW Odin is going to demand they shower before they come in. Chris is up there now building the solar showers for 'em. ;)
I tempered that by commenting that he was a man who loved to work, who loved using his hands and lived through them. That's a powerful and honorable way to live. He was very Taoist/Zen in that way.

Re: Chris is our Balder

[ootwoods.livejournal.com]

It was only afterwards, seeing his calendar, and his journals, and talking with his brothers and Mom, that I realized just HOW much pain he had in his life.

but the amazing thing was.. when you were with him, you were the ONLY thing he was interested in. And 20 minutes later, someone else was occupying that spotlight, and there was more than enough of him to go around. :)

He wasn't the friend who helped you move bodies... he was the friend sitting in the cell with you saying "WHoo! What a RIDE man!"

[ootwoods.livejournal.com]

I like to take comfort thinking that the reason Chris got taken when he did, was they needed housing built for all those who would also be tragically taken a few short months later, and who better to do it?

I think of him nearly daily.. my house is littered with things that were given to me.. (you never wanted to tell him you were "into" something.. he'd return from some trip or another with kitchy dime-store renditions of whatever it was.. resin pirates, egyptian kitsch, boxes with skulls carved on em, etc.). Other things were given to me by his Mom, later, and those are also scattered about.

I certainly don't have any greater claim on grief than anyone else.. but the sudden shock has worn down.. the missing and such has not.

But I have seen him wander into an event.. quietly, as was his way. at about three in the morning, I occasionally just notice him, sitting by the fire, on a stump, having just appeared. Which he also did more often than not. And, at that perfect time of witching, who wants to ruin it by saying anything? :)

[colmunson.livejournal.com]

I like to take comfort thinking that the reason Chris got taken when he did, was they needed housing built for all those who would also be tragically taken a few short months later, and who better to do it?

*nod* See my comment above.

you never wanted to tell him you were "into" something.. he'd return from some trip or another with kitchy dime-store renditions of whatever it was.. r

Not to mention the best genuine bear fur you can find! Jen still has the shoes he made for her, too.

I do wish you could have been there for the sumbel Saturday. I wasn't sure if you knew it was happening or not (I honestly don't know how spontanious it was also, given that the main focus of the evening was Ric). Or knew but didn't want to deal with it. Anyway, I thought about you then and I think you would have been pleased with what people said.

[ootwoods.livejournal.com]

No, I wasn't aware. I just knew they were doing something for Ric, and unfortunately, it was JUST as our much delayed and rained-upon dinner was coming off the fire.

I wanted to get down there.. but it ended up being a quite intricate meal.

[loosecanon.livejournal.com]

I'm touched. Didnt know him, thanks for the memorial

[flannelbutch.livejournal.com]

I can't believe it's been 5 years.

With all the things that have changed since then, it feels like we lost Chris yesterday.

damn. thank you for this.

[dr-zrfq.livejournal.com]

I met Christoph a handful of times, and my impression was in tune with what everyone has said so far here. We are all the poorer for losing him.

**hugs**